The Present My Grandmother Gave Me

Having to take a week off from school was bad enough, having to spend it with my yoga loving grandmother was just icing on the cake.  It wasn’t that I didn’t love my grandmother, of course I did. It was those eccentric, cryptic remarks she made that I didn’t have time for and never failed to baffle me.

When my parents and I arrived at my grandmother’s Lake House she was naturally sitting on her porch, meditating.  This most likely would have vexed me even if she hadn’t made us wait twenty minutes before inviting us inside the house. Meditating to me was a pointless practice used as an excuse to waste time with the misguided idea that you were “gaining” something from it. The look I gave my parents before entering the house was a loaded one. They understood my views on the situation.

My parents had been extremely overprotective after Brian had died, so when they did not have any choice but to go on a business trip on which I could not accompany them, they decided to exile me to my grandmothers for the week. I would have much preferred to stay home and actually attend school but that was clearly an unimaginable prospect.

` The hellos and goodbyes were rushed; my parents were in a hurry. After watching them pull out of the driveway, I turned slowly to face my grandmother a polite greeting already formed on my lips ready to be delivered but before I could say anything she said, “How are you?” as though it was the most important question in the world, while looking at me as if she was seeing something more than what was on the surface. I tensed immediately. People only asked me that question with that particular tone of voice when they were going to bring up Brian. I looked her in the eye and said, “I’m fine.” In a firm tone of voice to communicate to her that I wanted the conversation to end. She didn’t press the matter further but continued to look at me for a minute longer before turning out of the room and leading me to the kitchen.

As she prepared our completely vegan meal she asked me the usual questions about school and friends. As I spoke, her eyebrows pushed together in an unsatisfied gesture. I couldn’t imagine why. I told her how I had 90’s in everything at school, was president of the debate team, volunteered at the hospital and animal shelter, was part of the student leadership council, played soccer, helped at a retirement home and tutored kids in elementary school. I quietly hinted at how missing so much school was bound to stress me out even further. 

While we ate our meal, which was surprisingly delicious, she told me about her days on the lake. It sounded like she lived a pleasantly relaxing lifestyle full of yoga, meditation and going out on spontaneous excursions with her friends. As she kept talking I found myself actually envying my grandmother. She sounded so happy and stress free, while I was constantly thinking about everything that needed to be done or hadn’t been done properly.

After I had helped her clear the table and clean up, I told her that I wanted to go work on some homework that I had brought along with me, so she asked me to sit with her in the living room for a little bit first before I started.  She had gone to the washroom before she came to joined me, and while I waited I looked out the windows of the spacious room. The windows look out at the lake and the view was breathtaking. The sun was just setting and the red, pink and orange hues reflected beautifully off the water. As I looked out at the lake I couldn’t help thinking of Brian and the person I used to be when he was around.

I was in bed reading, ignoring the pile of homework sitting on my desk when Brian waltzed into my room. He jokingly asked me if I wanted to sneak out with him knowing full well that I would say no because of the horribly introverted person I was. He lightly teased me about my procrastination and my finding books more interesting than people. We were as different as brother and sister could be, but also closer than most. Just as he knew that I hadn’t done a bit of my homework I knew that he was done all of his homework for the next two weeks probably. I had no idea how he did it, juggled all his school work and his social life. I was constantly in awe of my brother. He gave me a quick kiss on the forehead before heading out to the party with his friends. My parents weren’t home so it was easy for him to leave the house but I knew he would still use the window to get out. That was just the way he was.

I could feel my grandmother’s presence behind me suddenly and the memory faded. She joined me on the couch and took one look at my face before enveloping me in the kind of hug only grandmothers knew how to give.

“You were thinking about him weren’t you?” She whispered lightly into my ear. I nodded into her shoulder and she held onto me tighter.

“It wasn’t your fault.” She said firmly as she pulled away and looked me in the eye. I looked away feeling like it was.

As I ran into the hospital all I could do was think why. Why did I let him go out? Why did I let him take the car? Why didn’t I go with him? Why didn’t I answer his phone call? Why him? I ran as fast as I could but by the time I got to his room, they told me he was gone. It was like every ounce of happiness in my body was drained in that moment. I didn’t cry until I saw my parents and watched my mother’s face crumble in agony. Nothing was ever going to be the same and it felt like it was all on my shoulders.

She turned my face back to look at her and looked at me and said, “There was no intention behind your mistakes, and you must let the past stay in the past, while moving forward.”

This was so different from her usual cryptic remarks I was at a loss for words.  She continued,” The present moment is inevitable, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the past and there is no assurance in the future so enjoy the moments that you have now. Stop looking back and stop looking forward. Just take it one day at a time.”

“You’re brother didn’t pass unhappy, and he wouldn’t want you to live your life in unhappiness while always looking back at the things you can’t change.”

All these things she said were simple concepts, but none that had been put in so many words for me. Of course I couldn’t change the past, and there was really nothing that I could do differently.

  “You must also stop trying to fill your brother’s shoes, just be yourself and don’t try to atone for something that wasn’t in your control.” I was shocked that she saw through me so easily. It was almost as though through these few life lessons I got a glimpse into my grandmother’s way of thinking, and how she lived her life. Suddenly I was excited to spend the week with my grandmother. I could already feel some of the weight already being lifted off my shoulders.

That week I didn’t do one ounce of homework. I didn’t worry about the debate team, or soccer practice or SLC. I spent the week enjoying life. I tried meditating and found there was something to be gained from it. I was present in every single moment. I did not think about what I had to do the next day or what I had done wrong the day before. I truly listened and participated in conversations with my grandmother instead of trying to think of a million things at once. I found yoga actually enjoyable and joined my grandmother in doing sun salutations every morning. I was surprised when I found myself laughing freely without it being forced or fake. I was actually on my way to being happy again. I read for enjoyment, and hadn’t realized how much I missed it until I picked up a book and got truly lost in it for the first time since the accident.

When I returned to school the next week I had a completely new mind set. I still worked hard, still got 90’s and played soccer and tutored, but what changed was that I was doing it for me. I was doing it because I enjoyed doing those things, not because I thought I had to. If I did something wrong or made a mistake, I didn’t spend days dwelling on it because there was nothing I could do to change things. I started accepting people and situations as they were. I learned to live in the moment. The most important revelation that had come to me while I was at my grandmother’s house was that, the state of mind determines the quality of life. Even though I was never going to forget Brian, I was moving on from the guilt that had fogged my mind those past few months, and I would always be grateful to my grandmother for giving me the ability to finally do that.

By Amina Ally, April 2011